Attack of the Giant Fruit Flies

But first, Mulligan has asked me to include a quick short story that Samoan detectives Toong and Tai sent him. Now I have never met these dudes but reading about them, when not laughing with them, I could see how they helped solve two murders in previous Mulligan books, even though all they really wanted to do was lie on their Somaon beach, drink Cointreau and smoke Jah (weed). Now I don’t know but maybe they also discovered Phuket schrooms as here is what they sent. Plus they have obviously done their research.

Attack of the Giant Fruit Flies (a script treatment)

Trigger warning: those with entomophobia, the fear of insects, should stop reading and most certainly, do not make or see the film…
Suggested music: Alison live by Elvis Costello
Chapter 1
They will get Huge. Honest. Believe me.
Chapter 2 - Candu Reactors
In late 1950s, someone in Canada thought it would be a great idea to build nuclear reactors for huge amounts of hopefully cheap electricity. They were wrong and then very wrong. They were wrong as it wasn’t cheap and the second wrong was thinking it would be good to sell them to other countries. More big problems. First, the reactor is a piece of shit and as we will see, breaks down a fuck of a lot. Second, the countries buying them had to agree not to use them to make nuclear bombs, fucking totally ignored this and both India and Pakistan made problems while fighting over mostly a high, useless glacier. And yelling at each other. It is said, that at one point, Pakistan was 14 seconds from launch when they reconsidered as China being nearby and prone to winds, told them if they launch, China would nuke the whole country. So basically, we have nations that still hate each other and have bombs and lousy reactors that fucking break all the time.
Chapter 3 – Alison and her banana
There once upon a time was a talented electrician by the name of Alison (not her real name). She got a really good paying job where you got to travel the world and fix these Candu things that fucking broke all the time. The only drawback was possible exposure to radioactivity that might kill you instantly or later on. But of course you get to wear alarms and shit like that so you can get the fuck out without exposure or at least that was the prevailing hope. So one trip she went to Romania as, yes, the fucking thing was broken and just needed a tweak whatever the fuck that is. As she went into the reactor, she was with a Romanian technician who was supposed to be learning except that they didn’t speak English and sure as fuck Alison didn’t take Romanian in school. They passed by a sign in Romanian: ‘Nu Sunt Permise Banane’ but of course Alison wondered what this meant. It reminded her of a camping site in Canada that was right beside a Candu. The sign said ‘If you hear an alarm, roll up your windows’. This of course actually meant you’d have a very short camping trip as you’d be fucked. But she wanted to ask as the part banane, reminded her that she hadn’t taken her lunch out of her gear and she indeed had a banana. But pointing at the sign just got a smile from the no speak English tech. In English, it meant :
‘No Bananas Allowed’
Now it may seem odd but part way through the fix, she got hungry and fuck, it was lunch time, so she sat on one of those things inside a Candu that look like a bench but do fuck knows what. A little over ripe but a good banana. Stuffing the peel back into her pocket, she started back to work. That tech did something ya ain’t supposed to do so an alarm and multiple beeping things went off and they both got the fuck out of there. No they didn’t die but...what about that fruit flies that came with the banana and got even more excited with the peel...OOOPS...
Chapter 4 – Later that Night
Did you know that fruit flies are used for genetic mutation studies as they multiply so fast. Though in actuality they can live for 30 days. Yikes. As chance would have it, though Alison was very enviro cool, she later before bed couldn’t find a compost place so had to hide the banana peel in the garbage. And as chance would have it, right next door was a laboratory doing, yes you got it, genetic studies. Oh, oh… So one now radioactive fruit fly could lay hundreds of eggs, and those radioactive eggs could hatch in a day or so. If you start doing the math, you will be frightened by the sheer numbers and oh my lord, just because of not speaking Romanian or vice versa English. What sheer hell is released the next day when the fruit fly technician opens the door to the lab. Do these flies decide to return to the banana peel and perhaps smother people who flail in the air as the radioactivity boosts their size to terrifying proportions. As isn’t that what happens in the 1950s creature features. That decision determines the rest of the script.
By the way, it is a good idea to get rid of fruit flies as even though they do not bite, they can spread bacteria. Tests show the best trap is made with a mason jar. Punch tiny holes in the metal top with a tiny nail and hammer. Put in apple cider vinegar and a touch of dish soap. Bingo, they all go there and die, die, die. I told you if you had entomophobia to not read this…excuse me while I find a mason jar and small nail and where the fuck did the apple cider vinegar go…