Swimming to Amy (aka An Open Letter to Amy Sedaris - (ai-meé said heir-ess)

First of all, I highly recommend that you read (and hopefully buy), I Like You, hospitality under the influence. As if you don’t, much of this won’t make any sense (like it would anyway!)

Dear Amy,

Thank you for writing such a wonderful book. Inspirational comes to mind. I want to focus on both the section on uninvited guests, as well as on the rest of the book. As if I seem uninvited at the moment, I am hoping that will change as you find out how well I can fit into your plans and life in general.

Before I get started, I just want to say that unlike your book, where some editor or publisher likely intervened, this letter will contain swearing, and I hope a shit load of swearing. Not for attention grabbing or other gratuitous reasons, but solely for providing fucking emphasis when required. I do hope you understand.

And just one more thing. When we recently borrowed your book from our Library, the male librarian said ‘Oh, I’ve got a request in for that book’. Rather than take the opportunity to point out that we fucking beat him to it, we graciously let him glance at the inside cover where it appears you are not wearing anything except for ‘sprinkles’. However, when I got home I did some further inspection with a magnifying glass on another picture and discovered that, your, how do I phrase it…your partition in your ass appears to have been airbrushed away but is actually covered by skin tight, panty hose . Perhaps by the same censors who disallowed swear words in your book. I further verified that by using said same magnifying glass on the picture of the ass of Karen Finley in Nyack, New York, 1992 in Annie Leibvitz’s book A Photographer’s Life, 1990 – 2005. Her ass was ‘real’.

Enough chitchat. Let’s get down to the basics of how I would make a wonderful ‘uninvited’ (oh, how I dislike that word) guest.
So let’s just assume that I fit into the ‘Out of Town Guest’ section, as I do qualify as I am out of town / “Island in the Atlantic” (Spalding Gray). And besides we all know that I would never get past your doorman, even if I bribed him. As you would be out bribing him – as matter of fact, you might be out there bribing him at this very moment…

So I will stick to some of the concerns you raise about out of town guests in your very ‘likeable’ book. For reference purposes, I will more or less follow what you write about us ‘O. T. Gs.’ I may skip things like ‘don’t dye your hair’ as I just never do…
Also I think we need to establish a theme for the party – a ‘raison/raisin d’etre’ if you will.

I’m suggesting that we call it a ‘David Party’ with the following guest list – tentative of course, as hey, this is YOUR party…
1) David Sedaris – hey, he’s your brother
2) David Letterman – you never know when a Limo could come in handy
3) me
4) I have a friend David but as he is unable to travel, we can invite him in spirit – he’s LIKE that
5) And…oh yeah you
6) And any Davids who happen to work at William Morris

I think the decorations could have a ‘David and Goliath’ sense. I need to process and/or google that a bit more. I will be staying for the duration of the party. I will require an invitation. Hand made is a nice touch. Please sign or at least initial (I will later sell it on eBay). I’ll be in good spirits or if not, make sure I have my benzoids handy. It’s been years since I’ve had any parasites. However, being forced to stay in the Bowery brings no guarantees… As you can see, I already have strong event coordination talents. I will bring 2 books. One of course will be your’s, ‘I Like You’, as I need it signed. And as I am still working on the third book of my trilogy, I can bring that too. Your brother will likely bring his typewriter and laundry (I will not be bringing laundry as hobos tend to not have too many clothes!).

I was thinking that I would bear the following gifts:
a) a role of American quarters. I can also bring Canadian ones too as even though they are pretty well useless, they can be a conversation piece (and slipped into change when giving change for cupcakes sales).
b) Wine and stamps – again, the wine will be very dry as I’m ‘on the beach, in the zone’…stamps again are fun things especially the ones with the Queen. I generally only drink Cointreau with Glacial ice, but while in NYC, I have been know to drink a martini, especially after reading the Martini list at that place on the Bowery you used to work at.
c) and as I do write about a detective, I’m sure I can sleuth out some little gift that I could leave. With the certified thank you check of course.
d) My pets are all in good health, though my dog is usually always by my side and is good with Rabbits.
e) When ya stay in the Bowery, if you don’t pack light, ya certainly don’t stay that way long…
f) I’m very passive. I will not be handling your possessions, unless ask to.
g) I couldn’t give your # out to my drug connections as I have none (in NYC). I have a cell phone. Besides, MSN doesn’t list your #. Don’t know why, but it doesn’t. Though Rooster is listed and being a Sedaris, might be susceptible genetically to bribes/baksheesh.
h) I’m a decision maker! La Guardia!
i) As I mentioned, my diet is ‘on the beach, in the zone’ but heck, in NYC…However, I have been a strict piscetarian for 35 years…
j) I am always helpful around the house. And you know as they say, a friend helps you move, a good friend helps you move a body…
k) I do not smoke dope, as you have so well articulated for yourself, and even though I do live in BC BUD territory, borders and me don’t mix well. Small case of receiving Chinese communist literature at the age of 13…
l) I would not flirt with Ricky. Besides I’m not gay, and I can have my own imagination, thank you very much. (Pl ease note that Ricky has now been murdered and that fucking Merchant Marine husband of yours will need to be GONE)
m) Anything I leave behind will at that point be invisible.
n) I’m not planning on bothering you…honest…I Like You…

Now we move to ‘Other Preparations for OTGs:
a)I note that the ride re airport is only offered TO the airport…no greeting party at La Guardia…obvious typo…
I need nothing. Hobos usually don’t. They may even surprise you with legal (of course) Xanax (AMPRAZOLAM) and the preferred Ativan. The Ocycodone never seems too popular at the border…
b) since I have everything, you needn’t worry about me stealing from you while alone…unless those Gypsies I know come around.
c) If my/your stories aren’t interesting, not to worry, I can fake jet lag and other kinds of things very well
d) Yes, approve, I mean, let me know of any special activities. I dislike the Staten Island ferry and tall buildings
e) You can plan everything as hobos are easily bored…
f) I’m well aware of money jars and have my own as a matter of fact…
g) Yes, things I like. Certain kinds of caviar, very dry anything, afore mentioned Cointreau with Glacial ice and since that plane is bringing in the ice, why not throw in some Arctic Char (healthy portions)…
h) My plans call for a generous donation to the money jar upon my arrival which makes blowing money much more palatable.
i) If I maybe so bold as suggest a recipe:
I would initially say that I really like cheese balls but prefer them made with Camembert or Brie and rolled in macadamia nuts (pistachios – uncolored - in a pinch).
Now for a main dish, I too realize that hobos are famous for Mulligan Stews or anything cooked in a can. However, I’ve found that open fires are now often fronded upon and don’t always mix with apartment floors.
So I would suggest as an Hors D’Oeurve (With Open Eyes):
Make Ahead ‘Sausage’ Tree

This a traditional recipe, originally a Christmas fav. I have substantially modified the recipe – in fact, it is now Sausage free…
1) find a very large pine cone. You can ask squirrels or better yet, get a large Redwood cone sent from California.
2) Cover with edible rice paper (or filo in a pinch). Note that the edible paper needs to be hand dyed with natural colors. Look it up…
3) Work from bottom up, stuffing in all kinds of good green eligible things. Green plants with tight buds and 5 leaves seem to work well.
4) Let your mind go wild when it comes to decorations, thought ones that roast and burn slowly, such as green peppers, are preferred due to next step.
5) The final tradition comes with the lighting of the ‘sausage’ tree – this may require the participation of a large # of party goers.
6) Fire extinguisher optional, though maybe recommended in case leftovers are called for.

I have a picture of a real, old fashioned, sausage tree that I can bring with me. Note that our version calls for substituting the sausage with tofu wieners. Cold cuts are made of tofu or thinly sliced Seitan (google Zen monk survival foods for recipe that can take days…) ahhh…like we just tried out the recipe…and like it…now I can’t remember what I was still going to write. Fortunately though I had made some scratch notes. As far as activities, for when I’m in NYC, not to worry. I was thinking we could just co-author a book. In between, I love to run errands. Besides, I wouldn’t rummage through your medicine cabinet as I now know it’s booby trapped with marbles – and I generally have a good supply of properly prescribed medications. The ones you said you liked...

Sincerely (I Like You),
jb
www.spaldinggray.com
www.johnboland.com
PS : I’d like to order a dozen cheese balls, delivery preferred. Now since I have no idea how to do this, as you seem to forgotten to list your phone number, I’ll just phone the Rooster who does seem to be listed…That way you could include my personal invite as well…